In Pursuit of Pleasure and Pain

December's Devilish Mars Retrograde in Leo

Note: Subscribers, you may’ve been sent this 2x! Mercury Rx is doing its thing i.e. I overlooked post settings and this initially was sent to a small subset of folks instead of all y’all! Reposting with changes; thanks for your patience. Main image by Austin Pardun.

One Krampusnacht an ancient time ago, teen me became sharply aware of a sexual persona, if not prowess, that defied Venusian virtues.

Standing in a sea of alterna-freaks in my over-sized bomber jacket and fishnets and 18-eye Doc Martins, Lords of Acid, the headliner, barely adhered to all-age “appropriate” standards. Nipple covers and thongs technically were not nudity, the barely clad go-go dancers mostly covered by means of shiny, black, thigh-high boots. They picked men out of the audience, chained them to cuffs on bondage frames and lightly whipped them as the singer screamed about orgasms in her latex catsuit. I wasn’t ignorant to fetish fashion (hello Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman), yet the IRL presence of light kink play by femme figures maintaining fascinating fixation not just thru strip-tease and taunting, but by literally holding the whip, was exhilarating.

This faux S&M performance was stronger, sexier than I had seen in media. I was still forming my opinions on sex and had read some sex-positive feminist essays. Sex Magick presented in Wiccan studies had been very “fluffy”, tho topics like consent were eye-opening and useful in those AOL dial-up days. Often associated with “Goddess” energy, specifically Venus, the spell work was all rose petals and sweet sighs. But standing in the dark loud loft of the Masquerade, the body heat rising even with December’s chill outside, I felt I was witnessing a ritual. The lights caught my rhinestone choker, my eyes glazed over, a different beast from Aphrodite’s soft sheets. While having little knowledge of my own accessory’s submissive symbolism, a spark of sexual tension became alight in me. I felt destined to one day dive into the dynamics displayed by these EDM entertain-tresses on stage.

An awakening! Martian lust: to be dominated, to dominate, a slutty switch in the making.

Stereotypically the Planet of War, Mars lusts for more than blood, drenched in drive, action, sweat, sex.

Beyond the romantic rousings of rich respectable Venusian lovelies, Mars Magick is a door into a dungeon, a darker domain where masks may hide the public face but desires are wielded firmly. This heavier, hotter hedonism has healing uses, too: to reclaim parts of oneself suppressed or dismissed, said to be dirty, devious, depraved, but deserving of acceptance and care in my honest opinion. This included issues I’d struggled with re: my own bodily autonomy and other by-products of shame-based Christian ideologies that threaten femme and LGBTQIA+ folks, rampant in my Southeastern region. I have a feeling this kind of reclamation will be more relevant than ever again.

Today, in a much different December, I am a lowly, sexually-neglected, lesbian housewife, struggling to reclaim my pleasure, living every day in the throes of isolation. I am much, much older than that young bright-eyed babe who yearned to be banged out in a leather corset for exploratory thrills. I am sober and have learned social anxiety doesn’t go away as I age. I do not know much about my sexual self as a sober person, but I am reaching out to her again, even if solo. It is just me and my fantasies. And I’ve decided to tap into what pleasure and power look like without the input of “love” on purpose.

Discovering desire again, what it looks like for me NOW, while in a “dry spell”, is a feat that calls in fiercer finagling re: my planetary practices. Deconstructing shame, rejection, confusion around my situation is necessary in order to additionally take charge of my sexual (and romantic and socially intimate) needs singularly. And for some time I’ve been confronting how alcohol sobriety has contributed to intimacy avoidance (while separating any curiosities that account for the other who is no longer wanting of me). I look to forward to learning how to navigate connection with others eventually. (I highly recommend Sober Sex Series if sex and sobriety have been an issue.)

This Mars Retrograde, a phenom that happens every 2 years for about 3 months or so, I want you to ask yourself how you can care for your own yearning in the most unapologetic, hot-blooded, horniest of ways.

Yes, the Merriest Time of the Year will be a bit bound to these Inner Planet back-spins… in monstrous mischief even!

Reminds me so much of my absolute favorite “Christmas”-time folklore icon, Krampus, who is undoubtedly kinky. On December 5th, the Alpine demonic beast known as Krampus is celebrated as a wintry punisher, his eve in conjunction with the Feast of St. Nicholas. Both horrific and delightful depending on your perspective, this devious deity was said to kidnap and punish “naughty” children. Krampus is usually depicted as a hairy, horned creature, wearing chains and carrying a bundle of birch sticks to whip with. Tho anthropologists speculate a pre-Christian presence, Krampus was popularized as the evil counterpart to St. Nick around the 17th century and then later used as a sexually fun subject for naughty greeting cards. Easy to do as Krampus’ long tongue is fully suggestive of pleasure itself.

Since Krampus was kin to the Devil, this character was depicted rather gruesomely at first, but as culture changed, Krampus was depicted more as a party monster. The “lady's man” in more adult-themed artworks, Krampus creeped around parlor rooms and dance floors and bedrooms, ready to slither up to sexy ladies. Not necessarily a succubus, Krampus was a sly seducer, drawn as a gentleman in pre-1920’s illustrations armed with bouquets of flowers and bundles of jewelry. The more cartoonish, the more obvious a horny little devil, overwhelmed by the racy graces of over-exaggerated mid-1900's pin-up bombshells with a very flirty, short and non-scary Krampus. And of course Lady Krampus was fantasized into art and porn.

Christian cultures were known to find an angle to incorporate beloved pagan roots from the Old Ways into their own Holy Agenda: "There seems to be little doubt as to his true identity for, in no other form is the full regalia of the Horned God of the Witches so well preserved. The birch—apart from its phallic significance—may have a connection with the initiation rites of certain witch-covens; rites which entailed binding and scourging as a form of mock-death. The chains could have been introduced in a Christian attempt to 'bind the Devil'." Nowadays, those who dress as Krampus meander throughout their town expecting neighboring shops to have free shots of Schnapps, essentially a bizarro bar crawl. The gothy, horror-loving crowds LOVES Krampus, an alt festive figure for sure. And I love that Krampusnacht is right around the big-deal backspin of the Planet of Sex, Seduction, Punishment, Pain.

Mars is absolutely devilish and very naughty, but so naughty that he is also very, very nice.

In the Darkness of Winter, our animal desires for warmth and erotic heat expands.

December began with the Sagittarius New Moon and Sagittarius Season hosts the bulk of Mars Retrograde in Leo… The pursuit of the party animal is boosted by “all the world is a stage” purrs, the prominent theme of sparkly social stamina strongly taking hold. Mars Rx itself is the proverbial restraints, leaving us impatiently waiting for what we wish. In the Court of the Centaur during a Mercury Rx in its own Sign, the planets push complicated obstacle courses in our way, more chaotic backspin than bargained for. Additionally, Venus in Aquarius joins us this weekend, a great outlier and almost an opposite energy to the cliches of plush Venus.

This week’s Mercury Cazimi may’ve been a fire under the ass, hot and ready for review (the bread and butter of Retrogrades tbh!), sparking clarity and confidence.

Just what we need before we go into a weekend where another Planetary Retrograde platter is added to the already overstuffed dinner table. To catch brighter ideas, to figure out what is folly and what is golden, to become aware eventually of what willpower and communication can help us get there. And though we cannot make many moves right now, the ball is rolling. We can lavish with and have fun with our fantasies for Mars Rx; it is not the dire death sentence that astrology claims it to be. BUT it will take discipline. It will take a balance of being both a good girl and a bad girl as Mars in Leo wants to have her cake and eat it, too.

While Mars Retrograde can be a time of deep frustration as action is halted in a planet that loves to go, I hope it speaks to the ways in which such an astrological influence that is often seen as malefic can also be delightfully strategic. Yes, we must look at both our desire versus our reality, where we do and do not feel we have power, and get down and dirty about the ways we can align to better position. Yes, we have to see the monsters inside of us and the ways we punish ourselves and give it a new purpose, perhaps bouncing on it in a way that changes the plot ;) Yes, we need to know the expansion, the restrictions, the withholding and the indulging of our own lust.

Retrogrades are raw pauses to question what pleasure is available to us, what uses reside in our pain, and how to maximize what the Future can offer us.

Retrogrades are a matter of perspective: they can be a gift, a punishment, or both if you’re inclined to intellectually kink it up.