The Body Keeps The Score
Taurus Full Moon on Hedonism and Hardship
TW: This post mentions death, alcoholism, substance abuse, sexual assault and other difficult subjects. Read at your own risk.
All of a sudden, I am shockingly re-acquainted with a despair so old it seemed to have disappeared…
I forgot how neatly packed away my suffering became, placed high upon a shelf long ago in a very, very dark room many floors below the Earth, along with other compartmentalized curses, bound and locked behind sealed doors, with the Lives I once lived but have long since divorced, distanced myself from. And yet, how easily this tomb tumbled down, down, down, crashing upon the dust-layered tiles… What a mess it made! A mess more than mine, a mess laid from the pain of others, pain I ate, swallowed, belly-ached. A disease that grew inside me, a tumor surgically removed through psycho-analysis and some gentle tenderness, preserved in a jar of remembrance.
How sharp its familiarity, the shards cut into my heart, leaving me to bleed out, bound with bandages & disbelief. How am I here again?
For a decade, I binged on booze and black-out sex as if they could ever be salves. The unremembered cum and dive-bar vomit curdled, eventually writhing into a knotty web that would take years upon years to untangle. Moreover, an even larger mess to contend with, another unexpected layer of excreted sludge and shit to clean has arrived within this worrisome week. Old but new, through airways and arguments, all my memory muscle is tensing. Trying to focus enough to not cave in, my own vices seem so far and yet are an ivy tiptoeing across the floor, aiming to wrap around my ankles and take me down into a nest of distress.
I expect grief every November. During the Aries Moon, I spoke of my first love’s dalliance with anger and alcoholism, eventually the cause of his death one early November night just a month from his 40th. In late November of 2015, I lost a dearest friend to kidney disease at the young age of 26 whose laugh is lodged in my brain, still in denial she really left us, even though I sat with her unconscious body hooked to machines, keeping her alive just a little longer, until it was time to pull the plug. November 14th will be the 10-year death day of a talented roommate who perished due to a heroin overdose within 6 months of drinking his very first beer. Bizarre, untimely, tragic.
I wonder what they would be like today, if they would have stayed soft in this cruel world.
I did not stay soft. I lodged myself into a rose bush, floral and fragrant on the outside, but the thorns grew tight around me.
Though I know at least one friend hardened towards the end of his life, a ghost to himself before his body actually died… his Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde was my own torturer and yet… How did I process his passing of pain to me? I became a monster, too, though the monster was already in me (my mother, my childhood neglect, my generational curse). At first, I drank to deal with sensory difficulties and sleep issues, social anxiety and stage fright second, then any stressful day saw booze at its end (the American way). Romantic heartbreak and 2 violent sexual assaults by colleagues led me to black-outs, suicide attempts. Trump’s 1st Presidency saw my drinking at its worst.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST AND ESPECIALLY IN THE NAME OF GRIEF… I would drink.
There is often a vampiric vibe to Taurus Full Moons: a hunger of insatiable means, unfulfilled no matter the supply, exemplified during the Taurus-Scorpio Nodal Cycle that Earthlings experienced prior to the current Aries-Libra arc. Taurus eclipses can manifest as fierce frenzies of excess. Previously musing on the serial-killer with the highest body count, Bathory, as an archetypical icon of Taurus lunacy, her example is, of course, over-the-top, but vanity mixed with power is hard to ignore in late-stage capitalism. And yet they, too, are rarely a real root, just a symptom.
Universally acknowledged scarcity mindset in the Cold Dark Season can encourage fear-based hoarding, one shadow aspect of the Bull. Fear is abundant already, crescendo’d after Samhain AND the Scorpio New Moon (midway of Autumn Equinox and Winter Solstice) during the loom of incredibly tough decision(s) taunting the people of the United States. All last week, social media was abundant with arguments, character attacks between strangers, ugly insults and earnest sorrows, all misdirected projections but one theme underlying: We are experiencing extreme instability.
We do not feel safe right now. We do not know when we’ll ever feel safe again.
The Full Moon in Taurus aligns with the 5-year anniversary of my alcohol sobriety.
And I am surprised I’ve not taken a single sip of booze within the 2024 calendar year. My personal hardships are many, continuing. I’ve more temptations to drink again than ever imagined. In a stubborn refusal to relapse, I’ve somehow made it this far. Granted I indulge other vices less self-destructive FOR ME (i.e. weed, and I consider it to be harm reduction). I do not advocate for censorship and believe in the medicinal, psych and stress-relief properties of plants, chemistry, science. I just know that my genetic predisposition has made me an alcoholic. If I drink, I WILL overdo it. If I drink, I am disconnected from myself and my body, therefore delaying my ability to process my experience. And as time has shown again and again, if I drink, I will hurt myself and inevitably concern and conflict others.
There is a Taurean side of stubborn willpower I admire, one I borrowed to stop drinking. Over time with some variation of resources (though not nearly as accessible or option-able enough), it took massive trial-and-error to work within my mind-body connection and see how I could self-soothe in other less harmful ways to eventually move away from booze. In order for willpower to work, I had to process, deconstruct and decide wholeheartedly that I no longer wanted drunkenness in my toolbox. My trauma, my grief and my neurodivergence had to find other methods to contain my “madness”.
I WANT to view substance abuse with some simplicity… that, yes, overindulgence stems from overwhelm and ~simply said~ stress creates a need for relief. Habitually, in excess, I’ve been witness to self-medicating into downward spirals, clearly related to compulsion and other mental health issues. Humans have always reached towards the nearest medicine to cope with the hardships they’ve trudged through. Hedonism by definition is placing pleasure over other values in order to avoid pain. We do not often enough note the entire culture that encourages more, more, more.
For me, recovery continues to require immense awareness re: the mind-body connection but I truly believe that the container of our lives (home, community, society) is worthy of examination, too. We all have history, sensitivities and a plethora of personal “problems” to untangle BUT without recognizing the weight of the World, we heavily place judgement and blame on the Self. We ARE responsible for our own actions and our own healing, but without the ability to see the bigger picture where consumption is simultaneously marketed to us daily AND systemic oppression keeps us in a constant state of activated trauma, we’re unlikely to prepare for triggers AND build a resistance against grotesque expectations of numbing and ignorance that the overlords want us to seek out as if we’re just little raccoons gravitating towards glitter-lined trash and we’ll never notice how much it is making us sick.
Processing healthily is discouraged in a patriarchal capitalist society that wants us to drink up, shut up and not speak of deeper things, especially what said society has done to our minds, bodies and spirits.
WHAT: Taurus Full Moon
WHEN: Friday November 15th, 2024 4:28 PM EST
THEME: Rest as Resistance, Rest as a Right
To deconstruct the complicated reasons humans fall into variations of self-harm, there is an entire family tree, history of violence and long-standing experiences that “create” the “need” for a habit. It goes without saying, I can not even begin to scratch the surface of these subjects in these Muses, but I do want to acknowledge THIS MOMENT: pre-election anxiety and post-election grief are both NO JOKE. Last week was incredibly difficult to navigate and trying to focus on work was impossible. And what an unrealistic task to be “on” during such a chaotic time! To survive here is to fit into a design where most of us have little rest; therefore we cannot resist.
Worsened by doom scroll sights of Instagram infighting, disgusting comments from not just incels but also white liberals… I’m overstimulated! And disheartened to imagine what the culture and political climate will look like next year… to say the least. I’m scared, in shock, saddened and sickened that a racist rapist was overwhelmingly voted-in to make decisions for this already crumbling country. Again it’s hard to have hope, but I know we’re going to have to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and do our best.
What doing our best means is subject to change person to person.
I truly believe we should not be expected to “do our best” right now, despite celebrating doing my own best and how far it has taken me. I am conflicted about the implications of perpetuating judgment on coping skills at this time. I believe we should never ever hold everybody or even ourselves to one fixed standard of “doing our best”. Beating ourselves up for not meeting a high expectation when under immense pressure creates shame and guilt that gets lodged in our bodies. This burden is additionally pressure-cooked by the constructed capitalistic concept that we have to be in control, chill, calm when we’re under duress. You know, the very demure, very mindful…
More like full of rage with no where to put it.
In a rat race that does not let us stop and PROCESS, it is easy to store our feelings deep down until it festers and makes us ill. The truth is we will not process anything FULLY; grief is eternal and we will always have to make space to hold it. It is a choice to be gentle with grief or to try to destroy it. These choices are influenced by our capacity and willingness, but above all, we can’t ignore the kind of time and energy we have before us. Time and energy is a huge factor in how we end up showing up. And many of us do not have very much of either.
Sometimes harm stays with us in ways we do not realize until we see the wound exposed again and are inconveniently called back to bandage and soothe. What processing can look like may seem like laziness or loathing to others. Healing is not love and light, at least not for me. It’s intense and loud and mournful and unfortunately on repeat. To be gentle and kind to ourselves, to give ourselves a break when needed or grace when we falter or shut-down or even have a tantrum is imperative. Expressing ourselves how we need to is sometimes the best release. When we try to hold the pain in, it festers. We will eventually seek out band-aids to hide the turmoil inside us, or ointments to tend to the wound or internal medicine to strengthen immunity.
What’s readily available is not always soul-nurturing or helpful for our healing in the long-term.
“If you can sit with your pain, listen to your pain and respect your pain — in time you will move through your pain.”
The Taurus Full Moon coaxes us to comfort. Wholeheartedly, it is her inherent nature to comfort. And in her brightest most clear incarnation, she wants us to be kind to ourselves and to others more than ever. In a whirlwind environment that seems to uphold nothing else but uncertainty, it seems we are always picking up the pieces that disaster has dumped on our doorstep, often the remnants of months and years, in addition to yesterday, today, tomorrow. Whether dealing with political, economic or personal changes at an impossibly rapid pace, it’s an impossible task to uphold ourselves as pillars of strength when we’re constantly being forced to adapt to chaos.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is simply be in touch with our mind-body connection. For example, to notice when we are overwhelmed, we can note that one likely trajectory is that we are getting closer and closer to burning out. THEN WE HONOR WHAT WE NEED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION. I find a lot of next steps include rest, even when there will be an actionable follow-up. Rest is a tool of resistance and resilience because it restores our stores of energy to get back up and move ahead.
I look back on how many times I attempted abandoning alcohol, how little there was re: affordable resources at that time. The pandemic contributed as isolation kept me out of bars, I had the privacy of controlled comfort, the quiet to really establish “better habits”. The irony that a crisis where thousands of people were dying was the only time I could slow down enough to attend to my alcoholism makes me extremely saddened. It’s been a struggle to reintegrate as a sober person socially, sexually and spiritually. As a sensual Venus-ruled sign, Taurus’ last lunar lap on Venus’ Day of Friday induces a desire to connect to the physical realm, mostly through my body who has told me in its way how I intuitively felt, what I needed to address.
The World today is full of Noise. Quiet is hard to come by.
The panic that weighs heavy when we truly take in the damages oppressive structures have caused, and how much worse it will inevitably become under the rulership of men who do not value the sanctity of the Earth in the same manner that they view femme bodies as disposable pieces of meat to rape and restrict choice over, is loud. Despite believing in the wholesomeness of friendship and allies, especially if they provide a space where we can heartily express, it’s very easy to cave in on oneself. Because in truth, this world is cruel and sometimes it feels the only way to quiet such cruelty is to self-medicate, self-deprecate, and choose ignorance or distraction or delusion.
Existing in a society that does not hold space for expression of truth and lived experiences is one barrier to processing that often redirects us to less fulfilling and complete forms of relief. I do not blame anyone for relapsing at this time. Especially within the last week. Especially in the last weekend. Especially as a woman or queer or a POC or having a disability or any combination of these embodiments. Bodily autonomy and healthcare as a right are under extreme threat. I already know in my bones that a rise of drug and alcohol related deaths and a plethora of relapses are ahead in the next few years. Crisis, suicide and abuse rates will undoubtedly increase.
Though the blood-hunger of vibrant vampire queens is present AT ALL TIMES, the flip-side of Fixed Earth energy is more prominent for Friday’s upcoming Taurus Full Moon. Scorpio Season lasts until November 21st and supports us in both spirituality and strategy. This Taurus Full Moon undoubtedly has to reckon with constraints of chaos and offers grounding before both Mercury Retrograde and Mars Retrograde will ravage our sense of stability this December. Exhaustion is perhaps our first task to tackle. Allowing ourselves to actually rest and recover in order to resist once again in the Future, no matter how grim, might be the best use of our pressing want for change. And change is coming whether we like it or not.
Time-Out for the Taurus Full Moon:
Are you ready for action or just activated? There are so many cries and calls to organize, which will without a doubt be need. (Please try to connect with folks who have been doing this for years, though self-research is lovely!). I completely see the need to take action, but sometimes action in a panic does not garner the best long-goal results. Tangible action like direct aid in the community is one way to stay occupied with hands-on help AND connect to community. Starting small is best in times of distress; creating a large master plan when in a reactionary state especially with very new information can backfire.
Literally recharging through rest or rousing the senses in lush playful exploration with a Taurean slow and steady groove serves my Greater Good. While we face severance of security, the act of reclaiming rest is in a very real way quite radical. I highly recommend digging deeper into this subject with The Nap Ministry. Root and sacral chakra work is highly recommended for this Taurus Full Moon as well. Any downtime with intention we can get before the upcoming Mercury Rx in Sagittarius and Mars Rx in Leo, the better (special guides for paid Substack soon).
The Taurus Full Moon forms a tight conjunction to Uranus in Taurus. The tension between the Taurus Full Moon who craves stability and wants to balance with sensuality and slow pleasure is challenged by Uranus’ unexpected surprises and shocks. Even though this is an emotionally heightened formation, this conjunction can also be a catalyst for moving our of stubborn stances and into growth beyond old patterns. Uranus in Taurus Retrograde lasts until January 30th, 2025.
The Taurus Full moon shines a spotlight on our resources at home. Beyond revealing our heart's desires in the ways of partnerships and sensual living, finances and our IRL foundation are also centered (Venusian subjects as well, though humans usually hone in on the Love + Sex aspect of the Amorous Planet). This pre-Mercury Rx lunation is the perfect pause to get down and dust off our budgets to ensure some semblance of realistic Winter Quarter wishes. How we need to save, cut back or conserve in order to navigate the Holidaze is prime. Any money mysteries that still need unraveling are knocking on your door.
11/16 Scorpio Sun opposes Uranus in Taurus for a capricious cosmic dance that keeps us on our toes… perhaps like a curse (queue The Red Shoes for an idea of possible chaos). This post-Full Moon moment can be a thrilling deep breath of life's richness and aid in embodying the resilience and forbearance required to steer our way through this labyrinth of energetic-vampiric encounters that may await (hopefully no Minotaurs or Medusas in our path)!
11/18 Mercury in Sag opposes Jupiter in Gemini, jump-starting some sensory overload, especially in the realm of social media and communal contact. Might possibly be smart to unplug for self-care but reassuringly in need of boundaries in the midst of racing thoughts and attention economy pulling us in every which direction.
11/18 Additionally, the Scorpio Sun will trine Neptune in Pisces adding a dreamy boost to the ADHD-intensity of the above opposition. Fantastical longings may be worthy of a relish and can provide inspiration… or deadly distraction. If your ducks are not in a row, this space could provide a reset or rest or pull you further into procrastination.
11/19 Pluto is back in Aquarius… for the next two decades! YAY! We will explore this more in depth for our 2025 Astrology Guide, available to paid Substack supporters, coming soon.
11/21 Sun enters Sagittarius! Specific Muse for Sag Season coming soon.